Because you asked...
I have been asked many times if I have a blog and now I can say ... "why yes I do!"
There are two heres I would like to address in this initial blog post.
The first is here - why do I have a blog? I follow a lot of blogs and am educated, blessed and enlightened by many in the cyberspace community. I; however, never felt qualified to write a blog that would bless, educate and certainly not enlighten others. Others of you have felt differently. The question "Do you have a blog?" has come up so frequently recently, I'm starting to feel like Jonah heading for Tarshish. Perhaps a blog would be the best way to share the miraculous story of my two boys and my journey through the dessert of infertility. This is the second here. How did I end up with two children 7 months apart. This is the real reason people want me to blog. It is an amazing story of struggle and hope. It is also a reason I have hesitated to blog. While in the mist of infertility, it was sometimes hard (okay impossible, heartbreaking, cruel...) to hear of the good news of a baby coming to others while I counted yet another month that I would have to wait for motherhood. If this is you right now, reading this because someone told you that there's this woman with a crazy story and they thought it could give you hope, I am praying for you specifically. I am praying for strength and courage. I am praying for those tough days when it seems impossible. I am so sorry for what you are going through and pray for courage. I pray that you would find your strength in Jesus, the only one who will never fail. Also, if you need someone to cry with you, pray with you, listen to you, please don't hesitate to use the email button above. So here's how it started. My husband, Craig, and I had been married a few years when the topic of kids came up. We were excited and nervous about being parents, but were sure we would see two lines on that test soon. Our friends were all making announcements. One even told me "It was so easy! It happened the first month!". I have always been successful in my endeavors, why would this be any different? But it was. It was very different. I couldn't do anything to be successful and I didn't like feeling out of control. We were encouraged about a year into our efforts by a woman from our church, who had no knowledge of our secret struggle. She was very nervous as she approached us to tell us that she simply wanted to be obedient to God in telling us what He told her to tell us (normally this kind of thing would freak us out a little). She told us that God said there was a baby boy in our future. We were elated! God heard our prayers! He knew our struggles and He was going to provide! Naturally, I thought it would be within a month! Surly He knew we were tired of answering the question "When are you guys going to have kids?" or "Why don't you guys have kids?". But no. A very long 5 years passed. We did tests at the local infertility center. I took hormones. Doctors could not find a reason for the delay. I was entering a very dark time. I was frustrated, bitter, angry, depressed, and hurt. I did not want to be near a pregnant woman, let alone hear them complain or try to encourage me by telling me how awful pregnancy was. Honestly, I didn't want to be around anyone. My heart couldn't be trusted. It would betray me at the worst moments. I did not like the person I had become. I did not know how to be any different. We finally tried a procedure called IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). On the first procedure we got pregnant! Our little boy was on his way! We quickly decided on the name Elijah (after the prophet) William (after my husband's grandfather). I will never forget the feeling of hope and revival in my soul. We had our first ultra sound at 6 weeks. We saw our baby move. We heard the heart beat. It was surreal. A week and a half after the ultra sound, I was concerned. I thought I saw spots of blood in my urine. We went back in for a second ultra sound at 8 weeks. I will never forget the look on the doctor's face as he stopped mid-sentence to tell us he was so sorry, the baby no longer had a heart beat. The pain was deeper than ever. Had God forgotten about us? Did he really tell the woman to tell us about a baby boy? What was going on? I remember going to church two days after and worshiping my Lord, wondering what He was going to do to redeem this heart ache. Months went by as well as more IUI's with no success. Each procedure felt like a steeper roller coaster. I began to feel that the next one would be too intense. I was coming off the track. More friends got pregnant and I began to question God's redemptive plan in it all. On the due date of the baby we miscarried, I felt a break in my soul. I surrendered it all to Christ. I accepted that I might never have children and that it was completely up to Him. We stopped with the hormones and procedures and prayed for wisdom. Eventually, we found ourselves asking questions about adoption. We were adrift, waiting on God to be the current to take us wherever He willed. My husband is a ministry director for Youth for Christ. He was directing a summer camp when a call came in to allow a woman who was 9 months pregnant to serve in the kitchen at this camp. It was conveyed that she was a Christian who had repented from poor decisions and was looking to serve. One evening of camp, I ran into this woman in the bathroom of the camp. (Awkward part of the story). She was fixing her makeup at the mirror and I was in a stall, listening to her complain about being pregnant. My heart was broken, but instead of judging and hating, I smiled as I came out of the stall. I think this surprised us both, because she immediately looked at me and sassed a little asking "WHAT!? Do you want to trade me?" as she pointed to her belly. "Yes" I said. "Let's do it!" she replied, which sent me like a middle-schooler crying out of the bathroom. I found my husband and retold the story between sobs and pity. He decided to approach the woman. When he began to approach the topic of adoption she stopped him. She told him that it was weird he was bringing this up because earlier in the day she had been praying and God told her to talk to him about adoption, but she wasn't sure why. She then began to explain that she felt children were a blessing and that some people can't have children, so how could she possible give her boy away. I remember the hairs on my arms standing up when she mentioned she was having a boy. My husband than explained that we were those people, that couldn't have children. She looked at me in awe, remembering me in the bathroom. "You really would trade me!" she said. Then she rambled some more about wanting her son to have a dad and how she would do anything to provide that for him. She talked about how much she loves him and feels connected to him and wants to give him the best in life. She wasn't sure what to do. She asked us how serious we were about adopting and if that was something we were interested in (which of course we said YES). As she sat there processing she admitted that if she did choose adoption it would be done under conditions. First, she wanted time with her son in the hospital. She didn't want him taken from her until she was ready. Secondly, she had already named him Elijah and that wasn't changing. We burst into tears, knowing God's hand was in this encounter. That He had allowed this woman to be pregnant and carry our baby boy. She was utterly confused at our reaction until we replayed our story, the woman who heard from God, and the naming of our miscarried child. We all knew what He willed. We had two weeks until the due date of sweet Elijah to get our paperwork done. This generally takes about 6-9 weeks. We completed our home study and paperwork in 9 business days -- something our case worker said he had never seen before! In the midst of trying to prepare everything for our coming child I realized that it had been some time since I had had a period. Assuming it was stress related and wanting everything to be ready for the baby I told my husband we should take a pregnancy test to spur on my cycle (this ALWAYS worked in the past when I was late). It was Sunday after church. We were going to a BBQ later that afternoon. I had a pie to make and din't have time to wait for the results. I absentmindedly yelled to my husband to let me know when it was negative so I could "get on with life." That's when I heard nothing. It was an eerie silence from the bathroom. The kind you know that something is not right. I returned to the bathroom to find my husband holding the test under the natural light. "It's a false positive" I told him. We took 3 more tests -- all positive. UNBELIEVABLE! We were already pregnant when we met the birth mom, we just didn't know! And that is how 5 month pregnant woman carries around a 2 and half month old baby, who are both her own. Our sweet son Elijah was born on the 22nd of July 2013 and our sweet Andrew was born on the 8th of March 2014. Our lives have never been so crazy, nor so wonderful. These sweet miracles are a constant reminder that God's way is better. His story is more amazing that anything I could have imagined. It is in incredible story that I have been blessed by. I hope it is a blessing to you as well. I'm thinking I will continue to update our crazy lives and stories of these sweet boys and God's goodness. Feel free to leave comments or send emails. Please pass this story along to those who will benefit from it. I will say that while struggling with infertility the best thing you could have said to me was that you were sorry, you can't imagine the pain and you want to hear how I am feeling, even if it's raw and painful. Blessings, Jil
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AuthorI am a thirty-something-year old mom of two, who are 7 months apart. My life seems like one sweet gift from God after another - 'cause it is! ArchivesCategories |